Thursday, July 9, 2015

#ihadamiscarriage & more

I don't have a Twitter, so I didn't now about this particular hashtag movement until my wonderful friend Kristina posted a video from Buzzfeed on her Facebook feed and mentioned her experience with miscarriage.  Watching it brought about some really hard feelings for me and I realized it's time to share my story. Not only the story of my miscarriage in 2011, but of an overwhelming loss I experienced in June, 2015 as well.

So heres my story.  Or rather, stories.

I had been married to my incredible husband for 9 months when we found out I was pregnant!!! [insert the happiest emoticon there is right here!] It was the most incredible/scary/beautiful feeling I had ever experienced. We were overjoyed and told everyone we knew about the good news. My first OB appointment at 6 weeks was perfect and the baby had a strong heartbeat. We were brainstorming names, themes for the baby room, and I spent time daily on every pregnancy website there was.

At 10 weeks gestation it was time for my second ultrasound. I literally couldn't wait! We had decided my husband wouldn't attend because he needed to save his PTO for after the baby was born, but as I was walking into the doctor's office he turned the corner to meet me. At that moment I couldn't have understood how important it was that he joined me at this appointment.

The second the ultrasound technician turned on the machine I knew something was wrong. Her smile faded into a grimace and she immediately told me to get dressed and that she was going to get the doctor.

A few minutes later I was sitting in a strange office completely confused and knew in my gut that something horrible was happening. My doctor spoke a few simple words that would forever change my life... "There is no heartbeat.  You've had a miscarriage". There are truly no words for the heartbreak, the tears, the utter devastation that followed those two short sentences. I was broken.

There was life inside of me. And then there just wasn't.  I had miscarried.

My doctor suggested a surgical procedure called a D&C (dilation and curettage) which I had two days later. For two days I was walking around with death inside of me. I wondered what I could've done differently. I wondered what went wrong; I questioned everything in my life.

I struggled for months with my loss. Depression was an understatement. To this day I still cry tears for my first child, whom I never got to meet.

Three short months after the worst experience of my life, I got pregnant again! I went from feelings of desolation and depression to pure joy! I was scared through out my entire pregnancy but it went perfectly. Every single appointment I attended had me scared to death that there would be no heartbeat, that I was again harboring death inside of my body.  But instead, I was full of life. I was induced on April 30th, 2012 and the most beautiful baby girl entered the world, my Olivia Ann.

For 3 years my heart has been full. Full of the deepest kind of love, joy, laughs, tears- the full spectrum of motherhood.

We recently decided it was time to try for another child, and we tried successfully! I got pregnant in May! This time though, it was a failure from the beginning. I went for a confirmation blood test and my HcG levels were very low. I was pregnant, but not 'pregnant enough'.  My levels were rising, but not as they should have been. After many brutal weeks of blood testing and ultrasounds I was told that I was having an ectopic pregnancy. Another baby. ANOTHER LOSS.

Ectopic pregnancies happen when the fertilized egg implants somewhere other than your uterus, most often in your fallopian tube.  Ectopic pregnancies are not viable.  I had to go thru injections to terminate the pregnancy so that my tube wouldn't burst and cause internal bleeding.  

This journey started in May and just ended, the second week of July. I have been waiting for my HcG levels to drop to 0, and my most recent test read an HcG level of 13 so I'm slowly but surely getting my body back to where it needs to be.

I am sharing my story so you know you're not alone. Your struggles are not only yours, they are the struggles of thousands of women through out history. I have learned that loss is a part of life. A part we would rather not have to deal with, but an inevitable part nonetheless.

When I came public with my first miscarriage I couldn't believe how many women had experienced the exact same thing that I did. I was saddened for them but also comforted in the fact that I wasn't alone. As women we must stand together, comfort one another, cry on each others shoulders and scream in agony with each other when necessary.  You can get through it.  I know from experience.  Two experiences.

I will forever wonder what would've been- what those babies would've been like.  Whether they would've looked like my husband or myself.  Whether or not I did something to deserve the heartache I've been through with a miscarriage and then an ectopic pregnancy - But there are no answers.  Truthfully, there are no words to describe it.  All that's there is the raw emotion of having experienced the loss of life within you, within your very being.

I am better.  I have my beautiful, brilliant, funny daughter to play with every single day and I could not be more thankful for her.  She is my pride and joy, my greatest accomplishment.  And when I get overwhelmed with sadness I just glance at her and my sadness spirals into happiness again.

That is my story.  

So if you've had one, you're not alone.

1 comment:

  1. You are so brave to share your story. Isn't it strange that it's more the norm to keep it quiet? I had a miscarriage last year, just 3 months before I became pregnant with my first son. Like your first miscarriage, it was unexplained. I had to wait over a week for a D&C because it was the last week of school and it was a "time off blackout." I'm sure I could have explained and gotten the day(s) off, but I didn't want to. In fact, only a handful of people know about what happened even to this day. Thank you for sharing.

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